The way I see it, there are 3 ways you can end up falling.
1. Someone pushes you.
2. You trip.
3. You jump.
Lately, I've felt like I've been in a perpetual state of falling. It's my own fault, I know. I'd like to say I'm constantly being pushed by mean hateful backstabbers, but that's not true. I'd like to say it's an accidental stumble that I'll learn from but that's not true either. The truth is...I'm an all or nothing kind of person. So when I meet someone that I like, I jump and I expect them to catch me. (just some statistics here: 99.9% of the time they don't.)
I don't blindly jump either. I know these people, these situations, fairly well. I have already estimated what the outcome with be and usually I know deep down inside that it wont go anywhere and it wont end well. But there's always that .1% chance that it will work and it will end well. So that's what I hold on to.
I take a leap of faith. Sadly, I always put my faith in the wrong people. Not that leaps of faith are bad, because they're not. I mean, I'm a religious person, believing in God is purely faith and so far He's never let me down. But apparently people are not as reliable. Not at all.
Long story short: I've fallen. Yet again. Actually, I'm still falling at this very moment. Deeper and deeper and deeper into a hole I'll have to climb out of and probably fall right back into.
The worst part is I KNOW WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT. It's so simple. All I have to do is stop. Stop doing what I'm doing and WALK AWAY. But that's the easy part. The hard part is wanting to. And despite all the stupid stupid problems jumping off the edge of this god-forsaken cliff is causing me, I don't want to stop it. I don't want to figure out a way to stop falling. And if I could go back in time and remake the decision to jump in the first place, I would.
What's wrong with me? Why do I always fall for the people who treat me like crap? Better question: why do I want to continue to be with these people? Do I like being sad?
This is probably the most useless thing I've ever written because I don't have any answers, or advice, or anything for that matter. All I have is questions, and thoughts, and feelings that I don't understand...
