In His Time

"He hath made every thing beautiful in his time..." ~ Ecclesiastes 3:11

I will be the first to tell you that I hate North Carolina.

It's not that I think it's a horrible place for everyone, it's just that for me, it's never felt right.
I'm a Yankee born and raised, and my home will always be the great north. (Jersey strong, and all that.)
However, this year has been strange, in that it's the first time I've felt thankful about the move here.
When I take the time to think about it, I have so many reasons to be.

I met my best friend, Rebeca Cassady, only a month or two after I moved here. Right away we bonded over our mutual dislike of the state, not realizing it was what brought us together.

I joined Crossflame Choir not long after that. I have always loved to sing, and it was my first time singing with a group of people who felt the same way. I've been on 3 amazing tours full of so much of God's love, and am looking forward to my one last tour this June.

I started attending community college here. This May, I will graduate with my AA degree at the same time I would have been graduating high school.

I got accepted to UNC Wilmington this month. It's an in-state 4 year university that's affordable, offers my major, and is located in the heart of a town that is full of people doing the things I want to do: writing, producing, and directing film.

I still see my family a lot. My grandmother moved here, and I've gotten to spend a lot of time with her. My aunts, uncles, and cousins have visited quite a few times. We go back up to Jersey every Christmas to celebrate the holidays with them.

Over the 5 years I have spent in this state, I've met so many people who have touched my life in some way. Some of them I hope will be lifelong friends. The rest have either given me something that I needed, or taken something that they needed. Either way it's a necessary part of life's journey, and I'm glad for it.

One of my favorite books of the Bible is Ecclesiastes. It feels so raw and real and relatable to me.
That verse at the beginning of this post, Ecclesiastes 3:11, has never made very much sense to me though.
How could God make everything beautiful, even the horrible life-ruining things like moving to NC?
I have always been sure that this would be the worst time of my whole life.
That I would need to escape this state in order to have a great future. And yet...

In His time.

Not in my time. And in case you don't know me, I am not a very patient person. I've been searching and searching for a way out for so long that I have never stopped to appreciate what I have. I never once stopped to think that maybe God was building up to something much bigger and much more beautiful that I could ever imagine.

I'm beginning to understand, although to picture isn't completely clear yet. I'm starting to see what God's doing in my life. I'm starting to realize that everything is going to come together. Not right now, not when I want it to, but in His time.

And boy, is that comforting.

"Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths." ~ Proverbs 3:5-6

Obviously, now is not the time for me to leave North Carolina. My family has just bought land around the corner where they plan to build houses and move to in the next few years. I have at least 3 more years here if I want to get my bachelor's in film & marketing out of UNCW. But these are all things that I want!
Good things. I know I will end up living somewhere I feel comfortable and happy...in His time.

For now though, while I'm still in the midst of this long journey, I think I'll take a lesson from Paul.

"For I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content." ~ Philippians 4:11 
 (Pun intended, haha!)

Iron Man 3: A Closer Look

Let me just start out by saying Tony Stark has been and always will be the most awesome, badass superhero that there is. I don't care that he doesn't possess any actual radioactive powers or that he's not an alien from another planet, he built his own Iron Man suits! He's fearless! He doesn't care what people think of him! He's hilarious, he says whatever he wants, and people LOVE HIM. He's everything you wish you had the guts to be.

Iron Man 3 came out this week and I was really excited, considering this marks the first movie in Phase Two of the Marvel Cinematic Universe. PLUS, Robert Downey Jr. is super attractive (for a guy in his late forties) and after a stressful week of finals I was ready for some of Tony Stark's legendary wit and sarcasm. This movie did not disappoint.

We last saw Tony eating shawarma with the rest of the superhero crew after the awesomeness that was The Avengers last summer. Apparently, he's been kind of a wreck since then, not being able to sleep and having panic attacks whenever he thinks about or even hears a mention of "what happened in New York." He's been obsessively making new suits, (all the way up to the Mark 42! That's dedication!) the government is in possession of War Machine, and there is a new threat to the US. His name is The Mandarin and he seems to be targeting us all for the past sins our country has committed. "Teaching us a lesson," as he repeats over and over during his creepy video messages. You know the type, when the bad guy hacks into all the video feeds everywhere and sends a threat message to all of us while talking directly to the president. But never fear! Tony is here to defend us with his massive Iron Man suit army! (Even if he does seem to be doing it against his will.) There are plenty of explosions, Pepper Potts moments (there is one scene with Tony and Pepper that is just PERF <3), and rolling-on-the-floor-laughing moments all leading to the inevitable epic final battle between Iron Man and The Mandarin. OH YEAH, and there's a pretty surprising ending that I totally didn't see coming. It's a little confusing and frankly...underwhelming for a man like Tony Stark. I don't want to give it away, but you'll see what I mean.


Overall, Iron Man 3 was a FANTASTIC ending to the threequel. I'm not sure if there will be an Iron Man 4...there have been rumors...I'm also not sure if Robert Downey's going to be in the second Avengers. I heard his contract is expired with Marvel and the ending of IM3 doesn't exactly make it clear what the future of Tony Stark will be. But we can be sure he wont be out of the picture completely...should be interesting! I can't wait for Thor 2 so we can get into the heart of this "Phase Two" business.

There is something else I'd like to say though. This is more in depth...going to the core of the movie and the veiled and sometimes not so veiled tone of the writing. The movie as just a movie was the best. But underneath that, it seemed like the writers/producers were trying to send a pretty confusing political message. WARNING: gets a little spoilery after this. I'm not going to reveal any major plot points but there are still some things you might rather see first before reading it here. *shrugs* Up to you!!

The beginning of the movie starts with Tony Stark doing a voice over. The very first thing (or one of the very first things?) he says is, "We create our own demons." After that we a plunged into a movie filled of references and ideas that are obviously a statement concerning some people's opinions of the US today.

The alien invasion that we saw in the Avengers was referred to frequently as, "what happened in New York." What's the first thing that comes to mind when you hear that phrase? For me, it's 9/11. The Mandarin is also very reminiscent of Bin Laden, with his videos and terrorist strikes. He says that he is targeting the United States to "teach us a lesson." He brings to mind examples of when we slaughtered Native Americans and took their land. He has a whole rant about how fortune cookies are an American invention, which is funny because they are "hollow and full of lies" just like us.

Tony Stark is a pathetic mess after the Avengers. SINCE WHEN? The end of The Avengers showed him happy and carefree as ever, and it's really not like Iron Man to have nightmares and well...you know...be afraid of something. But when he declares war on The Mandarin, it's not because he wants to save us all and be a hero like he used to. He comes straight out and says, "There's not politics here; it's just good old fashioned revenge." Then he yells at the paparazzi "Is that what you wanted??!?!?!" before smashing some poor guy's camera phone against a wall.

Meanwhile, our president is just a powerless face for a powerless nation. We rename War Machine the Iron Patriot, which seems like a euphemism to me. Then at the end, the villain is planning on killing the president in the big "death by oil" scene (which seemed to mean more to my parents then to me lol).

But it all goes back to "We create our own demons." Or in other words, we get what we deserve. I'm not sure if that's the point the writers were trying to make, but it sure seemed like it. The Mandarin was punishing us for our past misdeeds, by these terrorist attacks. Us taking land from the Native Americans, and being greedy, and thinking that we're saving the world when really we're just unimportant cowards. Tony Stark didn't even WANT to fight to Mandarin to save lives. He wanted revenge. Is that what the writers think of the real life War on Terror? And then in the end, Tony Stark gives up. He's a changed person, so to speak, but was he really a bad person before? He was a hero. The ending of IM3 shows him stepping down, resigning because he doesn't want to be a part of it anymore. He calls it a "distraction." Okay. Since when is saving people a distraction? He does end by saying that  "I am Iron Man" mumbo jumbo but face it dude. Without the suits your just a guy. A really awesome guy but a hero? No. If Iron Man gives up, where's the hope for the rest of us?

I guess I was just confused because The Avengers was such a patriotic movie. People cheered in the theater. We won! It was so awesome! But this movie seemed to have dark defeatist undertones. I wonder if this is going to happen to the rest of our heroes during "Phase Two" ?

Wow, gotta stop thinking about this. I'm gonna forget it's not real life! Anyway, if you have any comments, agreements/disagreements please leave them below! Let me know how you liked the movie. Or if you think Robert Downey Jr. is as hot as I do ;)

Let the countdown to the next Marvel masterpiece begin!

Generation Lost: Losing Our Voice

If you're a teenager or a young adult right now, you probably no longer actively use your facebook account.

You probably understand the sentiment behind the statements "asdfghjkl," "I can't" and "too many feels."

You understand what the tweet "blueberry muffins >>>" means.

You probably have a tumblr account and know that you can tell how somebody is feeling by the way their blog looks.

You most likely know how to express your every emotion through reblogging and creating gifs and memes.

You spend hours a day, scrolling down your dashboard on tumblr or twitter or youtube. You watch videos, look at pictures, and read things that you like and appreciate. You enjoy them silently. You repost them if you want your followers to enjoy them too. You feel like these people that you've never even met know you better than your best friend does. You know how to say what you need to say using little or no words at all.

We've adapted.

Our parents grew up in a world where face-to-face or phone calls were the only way to talk to each other. (Unless you wanted to send snail mail, which probably wont still be an option for very long.) Then the internet was invented and everything changed. People discovered IM, email, and how easy it was to say whatever you wanted to say when you were hiding behind a computer screen. Then there were cell phones. With texting capabilities. Suddenly, text communication was portable and actual phone conversations had started to lose their allure.

And then there was Facebook. We discovered that we could see, hear, and say everything and anything we wanted to with our group of friends and even enemies without ever having to leave our bedroom. You could type long winded rants and make  Facebook note. You could tell everyone that funny thing that happened to you at the mall in your status update. All at one time without ever having to move more than your fingers. In person/phone conversations went permanently out the window.

It's been that way for years now. We don't talk anymore. I mean...I see it happen all the time where people who never ever talk in person develop deep relationships over texts and twitter. They text and tweet day and night and tell each other "everything." Yet when they pass by each other in the halls they don't even glance up. Most likely because they have no idea how to speak face to face. It would be awkward and possibly messy and you don't have time to plan what you're going to say next.

Adults argue that's not a real relationship. We challenge them to define real.

Now I can't say that I view all of that as completely bad. It's how I've grown up. I have friends who I text more than I physically speak to. The thing that bothers me is that it's showing no signs of stopping. 

As a mentioned earlier, this is no longer the age of facebook. Facebook was merely a stepping stone on the path to something else. Something much different.

It's all about visuals. Pictures of places and people and things that describe our moods or desires. Picture with a few words on them, short statements, or internet lingo (memes.) Pictures that move and show a brief moment in time that we find relate able or the perfect expression of our feelings at that moment (animated gifs, usually from movies and tv shows.)

Great right? We've gone back to pictograms. High-tech, HD, moving pictograms for sure, but still. It seems like we're going backwards almost. At first I thought it was really cool during one of those "too many feels moments" when I couldn't describe how I was feeling so I reblogged something. And then it became addictive and now I do it all the time.

So what's the big deal right? It's just another means of communication!

No.

Because those gifs and memes are pictures of OTHER PEOPLE dealing with the things we are dealing with. They are words of OTHERS who have gone through the stuff we are beginning to deal with. So by communicating via tumblr we're letting others speak for us instead of speaking ourselves.

As this continues and is taken to greater and greater extremes (as everything always does) what if we begin using this as our primary means of communication. 


What's gonna happen when somebody asks me something and instead of words coming to mind, I think of a gif of somebody I saw the other day. And because of that I just can't think of to SAY so I find that gif and show them. And then they show me a meme in response. And we both nod in silent appreciation and we understand each other.

What's going to happen when we forget how to speak?

My Testimony

When I was around 8 years old, I "accepted Christ" and was officially "saved." I can remember that day clearly because it was probably the most anti-climatic experience of my life. I guess one day I was tired of being left out of this spiritual existence that all the adults were always going on about and I decided it was time. So I knelt down, said the typical rehearsed "I'm a sinner and please Lord take my sin away" blah blah blah prayer and that was that.

Absolutely nothing changed. No angels descended from heaven to congratulate me. I wasn't suddenly enlightened with all of this information about God and love and how to be a good Christian. I didn't even feel any different. I didn't understand. What did I do wrong? This is what I had seen and heard about. This is what those alter calls at church were about. You go and kneel before God and accept Him and then everything feels better and more wonderful than before.

I was so scared. Something must be wrong with me, I decided. I had always been taught that when you're saved you know it and you don't have any doubts. So therefore, I must not be saved. Every single night for a long time I prayed the same prayer before I went to sleep hoping I would way up one morning and feel like a Christian.

"Dear heavenly Father, I know I'm a sinner and I believe in you and please forgive me for the things that I've done wrong. Amen."

I thought maybe if I went to the front of the church and knelt down and prayed it would work. But I was too afraid of what my parents would say about that. I thought they would ask me what I was doing and yell and make fun of me so I never did.

I just kept saying that same prayer every night. Hoping that it would work. Hoping that if something were to happen to me that I would be saved and I would go to heaven.  I was terrified that I would never be able to be a true Christian but even more afraid to tell anybody how I was feeling. 

There was one day when I was very upset. I felt lonely, I felt lost, and I cried to God to please just take the pain that I was feeling away because I didn't know how to handle it on my own. And it went away. Just like that. Which, you know, was pretty darn surprising to me. So I was saved!

In hindsight, of course, I was saved all along. I was saved from the very first moment in my life that I believed in Jesus Christ. Now I don't know at what point exactly that was...but it was before the age of 8 when I recited a prayer someone wrote for a gospel tract. God was with me that entire time. And I just didn't realize it because I had never really tried to talk to Him before. I was so worried about this salvation business and doing it wrong that I had never thought to just "be still and know."  I didn't think He would listen to me until I was "saved." I didn't think He would be around until then. I also didn't think He would listen to me if it was about something stupid. Or what if I wasn't supposed to be saved? What if I was one of those people who He already knew was going to hell so he wasn't even going to bother.

These are the kind of doubts that kept me up at night. For a really long time. And it's sad because Christianity is not supposed to be like that. I'm not blaming anyone...but the reason I felt that way was because salvation was not explained to me correctly. It scared me and confused me. It seemed like something children couldn't understand, although we were supposed to. It was so much pressure and politics. I didn't even want to talk to my parents about it because I felt stupid.

8 year old me was confused and terrified by religion.

17 year old me is confident and fulfilled by my relationship with Jesus Christ.

Don't let religion get in the way of your relationship with God. If you know and believe that Jesus is your Savior, you're saved. If you feel His presence in your life, you're saved. You don't need to kneel before the alter or recite a prayer. You don't need to have this eye-opening experience in the moment of acceptance. If you know that you can't do it on your own and you want to know Jesus in your heart, all you have to do is believe. He's already there. God is always there. All you have to do is let Him in.

I know that I am saved not because I am a "perfect Christian." Not because I never do anything wrong. But because God is there for me when I need him. Because I can see him in my life, in the people around me, and in the beauty of the things that He has created. I can feel Him in my heart comforting and guiding me. Have I pushed Him away. Ha. Yes. Yes I have. I've ignored Him and I've been let astray. But He is always there.

Because He promised in Hebrews 13:5, "I will never leave thee nor forsake thee."

That's God's word completely untouched and untainted by the politics of men and their religion. And there's nothing terrifying about that.

Straight from God Himself

If you don't know what to do to be saved/if you're wondering if you "did it right":

"For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life." ~ John 3:16

"For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God:" ~ Ephesians 2:8

If you feel like you're too unimportant/why would God care about you and your problems: 

"And he spake this parable unto them, saying, What man of you, having an hundred sheep, if he lose one of them, doth not leave the ninety and nine in the wilderness, and go after that which is lost, until he find it?" ~ Luke 15:3-4

"Are not two sparrows sold for a farthing? and one of them shall not fall on the ground without your Father. But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear ye not therefore, ye are of more value than many sparrows." Matthew 10:29-31

If you don't know how you can make it through life. If you're terrified, lost, confused, helpless...remember that with God all things are possible. You can't do it alone, but you are NOT alone. And with if God is for us, who can stand against us? My personal favorite John 16:33: 

"These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world."

Not Knowing

I always have a plan.

I always have multiple plans, actually. Plan A, Plan B, Plan C...when the situation calls for it the list can go all the way down to Plan Z. And if all of those plans fail, I know how to keep my cool if everything comes crumbling down on top and me and I have to come up with something new. I've done it a million times before and even in the worst situations I have ever faced (friend drama, parents angry with me, having to regain trust after a serious set back) I have never felt so overwhelmed that I didn't know what I was going to do or say next.

And here I am, 17 years old, a brand new year just started, my plans seem to be failing left and right, and I don't know what to do. It seems to me that all that elementary/middle/high school planning and scheming I have always prided myself in being so good at means nothing in the real world. I feel so overwhelmed with talk about car insurance and tuition and grants and loans and health care and residency and credits and transfer eligibility and competitive admissions and getting a job and saving money and what I want to be when I grow up.

Honestly, that phrase used to be so exciting and fun and up until yesterday I thought I knew. But then I realized that I am grown up. And I don't have time anymore to jump back and forth between dreaming of being an astronaut or president of the United States.

What I'm basically saying is...I know what I want to be. But are my dreams and plans still that of the little girl who watches Cinderella and decides she wants to be a princess?

I've always known...since I was old enough to scribble words on a piece of paper...that I wanted to have a career one day that involved writing and creatively coming up with something. It wasn't until recently (two or three years ago) that I realized my passion involved film. Expressing my words and ideas through something that you can see. And since then, I've been open to exploring any aspect of that. Screenwriting, directing, producing, reading works and adapting them, making short films....there are so many possibilities. And getting involved with these things excites me SO incredibly much.

But then I think about how competitive it is. And how unlikely it is that I'd be able to break into the industry. And how hard it would be to get into one of the great film schools. But none of that bothers me as much as the money. I can take competition and I can work my butt off to gain recognition. But I can't come up with money I don't have. Film degrees are so specialized that only certain (mostly top-tier schools) offer them.

No matter how badly I want this, no amount of As in community college are going to get me the money I would need to pursue film without getting myself into serious debt. And then there's after school. Would I be able to get a job? Or would those 4 years have been a waste of time and money pursuing something that I should've left as a silly hobby?

There are so many easier things that I could go for just about anywhere. They would still involve writing. I'm good at writing. I could go for journalism. Communications. Marketing. I could get a 4 year and a way better shot at a good paying job. It would cost me so much less. It would be less stressful. But it's not what I want.

Then again...5 years ago I wanted to be a TV actress. Shortly after that, I wanted to be a famous pop singer. How do I know if this isn't just another one of those useless dreams?

haha, what if film is just one of those degrees for the born-into-money rich kids who have nothing better to do with their time?

I'm not giving up. No way. Not until I KNOW what I should do. I don't want to quit just because it's hard but at the same time I don't want to bang my head against the wall over and over again until one day I wake up and realize that it was the wrong path the whole time.

It's the not knowing that's killer though. That gives me headaches and thoughts that keep me up at night and flood my mind in moments when I should be enjoying myself.

How do I know? How do I know...

(At times like this, this song takes my pounding headache from a painful 10 down to a bearable 4.)