Not Knowing

I always have a plan.

I always have multiple plans, actually. Plan A, Plan B, Plan C...when the situation calls for it the list can go all the way down to Plan Z. And if all of those plans fail, I know how to keep my cool if everything comes crumbling down on top and me and I have to come up with something new. I've done it a million times before and even in the worst situations I have ever faced (friend drama, parents angry with me, having to regain trust after a serious set back) I have never felt so overwhelmed that I didn't know what I was going to do or say next.

And here I am, 17 years old, a brand new year just started, my plans seem to be failing left and right, and I don't know what to do. It seems to me that all that elementary/middle/high school planning and scheming I have always prided myself in being so good at means nothing in the real world. I feel so overwhelmed with talk about car insurance and tuition and grants and loans and health care and residency and credits and transfer eligibility and competitive admissions and getting a job and saving money and what I want to be when I grow up.

Honestly, that phrase used to be so exciting and fun and up until yesterday I thought I knew. But then I realized that I am grown up. And I don't have time anymore to jump back and forth between dreaming of being an astronaut or president of the United States.

What I'm basically saying is...I know what I want to be. But are my dreams and plans still that of the little girl who watches Cinderella and decides she wants to be a princess?

I've always known...since I was old enough to scribble words on a piece of paper...that I wanted to have a career one day that involved writing and creatively coming up with something. It wasn't until recently (two or three years ago) that I realized my passion involved film. Expressing my words and ideas through something that you can see. And since then, I've been open to exploring any aspect of that. Screenwriting, directing, producing, reading works and adapting them, making short films....there are so many possibilities. And getting involved with these things excites me SO incredibly much.

But then I think about how competitive it is. And how unlikely it is that I'd be able to break into the industry. And how hard it would be to get into one of the great film schools. But none of that bothers me as much as the money. I can take competition and I can work my butt off to gain recognition. But I can't come up with money I don't have. Film degrees are so specialized that only certain (mostly top-tier schools) offer them.

No matter how badly I want this, no amount of As in community college are going to get me the money I would need to pursue film without getting myself into serious debt. And then there's after school. Would I be able to get a job? Or would those 4 years have been a waste of time and money pursuing something that I should've left as a silly hobby?

There are so many easier things that I could go for just about anywhere. They would still involve writing. I'm good at writing. I could go for journalism. Communications. Marketing. I could get a 4 year and a way better shot at a good paying job. It would cost me so much less. It would be less stressful. But it's not what I want.

Then again...5 years ago I wanted to be a TV actress. Shortly after that, I wanted to be a famous pop singer. How do I know if this isn't just another one of those useless dreams?

haha, what if film is just one of those degrees for the born-into-money rich kids who have nothing better to do with their time?

I'm not giving up. No way. Not until I KNOW what I should do. I don't want to quit just because it's hard but at the same time I don't want to bang my head against the wall over and over again until one day I wake up and realize that it was the wrong path the whole time.

It's the not knowing that's killer though. That gives me headaches and thoughts that keep me up at night and flood my mind in moments when I should be enjoying myself.

How do I know? How do I know...

(At times like this, this song takes my pounding headache from a painful 10 down to a bearable 4.)